To Bauji

Bauji and Vivaan

He is the only grandfather I knew, and the only great-grandfather my son will ever have the honour of knowing.

He is no longer with us physically, but he will always be with us.

He passed away 85 days ago and it is still hard for me to refer to him in past tense. I hear his resonant laughter in my head so many times, feel his hand patting my head. Sometimes I want to just call and ask to talk to him, hoping that if I just ask for it and pretend he never left us, all the events will reverse themselves and he will be here.

I am still grieving, and always will, because how can you ever get over the loss of a lifetime of love?

This picture was taken in April of 2008, just a couple of months before we moved to Indianapolis. Our little guy was barely 3 months old and I wanted to visit my grandparents so that they could see him and he could meet them before the move. The moment when this picture was taken is still clear in my mind as yesterday. Bauji was singing Vivaan a lullaby. He used to sing with all his heart, everything in him – all the pain, all the happiness, pouring out in his words. I was watching them. And before he could even finish, I had to leave the room, too overcome by the rock in my throat. “Why are you going away from this?”, I thought to myself. “Can you imagine how many such moments you are going to miss? What if you never see them again?”.

But then reason prevailed, and I convinced myself that Bauji would not leave us anytime soon. He was after all healthy and active and still working more than I did, at his 74 years of age. Before I knew it, we would be back and then we would have all the time in the world to be with our families. Unfortunately, he could not wait long enough for that to happen.

There are a lot of things one feels when one loses a close family member. Disbelief and denial – I spent the first night when we found out, telling myself that this could not have happened. That this was a big mistake or a really bad dream that will be over soon. Anger – at him, for ignoring the signs his body must have given him, but more at myself for not being there to stop this from happening. Regret – for not being there for my mom and my grandma and the whole family. Gratitude – that it was sudden and he did not suffer a lot, and that he was home with his loved ones and not travelling alone (something he did frequently for business and for his social pursuits). Gratitude, for a husband and a five-year old who wept with me when they found out, and for a strong grandmother who is always worried more about my well-being than her own loss and sorrow. Gratitude also for being a part of Bauji’s life and his family. I couldn’t have asked for more.

Most of all, I feel hope, that all the talk about the afterlife is true, and I will hear that laughter again on the other side, one day.